Anticipated Grief

I’ve been avoiding this article. Mainly because I’m avoiding what I know is coming.

What’s coming that I’m avoiding?

It’s grief…

I’ve been dealing with this anticipated grief for some time now. I’ve been quite undone.

When I look at my picture above, I don’t see any grief. I see a family that loves each other. I see a family that has been through sweat and tears from doing hard things. I see mended hearts that were once broken and bruised (to this I am referring to their dads and mine divorce several years back).

I also see character, drive, determination, self-worth, and confidence. I see young men who are years above their peers. I see a Mamma who is proud of her sons, and at the same time is saddened by the reality that the older two are all grown up.

Tanner, my oldest and the handsome redhead on the left, leaves for college in 18 days heading over the mountains to Wenatchee, WA where he plans to play basketball on a scholarship.

Wesley, my second son, the tall and handsome one on the right, just got home from a two-week trial internship on a cattle ranch in Wenatchee. It is an incredible opportunity for him, and he is ready to take the job full-time.  He heads back in 2 days. He is entering his senior year of high school in the fall and I anticipated that he would be home for another year. He is a full-time Running Start student (A high school and college accredited program offered here in WA state) and is doing all his classes online, which allows him to complete his studies wherever he goes. He has a drive to work and go to school at the same time and this opportunity on the cattle ranch is an exciting adventure for him.

One son would have been enough for this mama’s heart to adjust and say goodbye but having my 2nd son setting sail with his opportunity is just about more than I can bear.

This evening I took the boys out to dinner. It’s one of our last evenings where we are all under the same roof and I wanted to do something special. It was a good distraction for my heavy heart and this photo was taken just a few minutes after we left the restaurant.

I think my intention in writing this article is to acknowledge that it’s okay to be sad. I am also happy for my sons that they are moving on, but it also means our lives as a family will change forever. Even though we have good relationships, and I will still be a part of their lives, it feels like something is being taken from me. And at the deepest moments of my pain, I feel like my heart is being ripped out.

Over the previous year, I had sensations of this feeling, anticipating the timing’s arrival. But now that it’s here, I’m afraid is much stronger than I had hoped it would be.

It’s so much easier to let someone go when you are mad at them. It’s easier to say goodbye to a person or a chapter in life when it wasn’t a good relationship or when it was a difficult time.

But how do you say goodbye to a chapter that you loved?

How do you not wish you could just stop time and leave life good and unchanging?

As I’ve been pondering all my emotions and thoughts, I’ve come to embrace a possible new idea. This idea is a bit different, but one I think is true. The idea that maybe I should see grief itself as a compliment. A compliment because I held nothing back. I went all in and loved every day that my children were under my roof. Grief may be a symbol of my tenderness and gratitude. Grief is a deeper layer of all the love I have felt. If I did not love, I would not grieve. My grief represents a season well lived and intentions done well.

To love means we feel. When we feel, we feel ALL… love, joy, hope, and sometimes pain, despair, or grief.

I am sobbing at the moment as I write. So much tenderness and love for these humans of mine. I am proud of my decision to show up every day and love intentionally, wholeheartedly, and as raw and authentic as I possibly could. Our family unit has brought each one of us happiness and I know it’s a strong foundation that will set my children up for the rest of their lives.

With all the emotions going on the last few months and climaxing to these few weeks, I want to write this article because I want to acknowledge what I sense other mothers feel too. I don’t hear anticipated grief talked about very much and most of the time I hear people talk about the opposite. I hear things like how it’s “Good for them to have independence” or “They are ready to be on their own” and somehow, it’s looked down on for both the mother and kid if they aren’t super happy about all of it.

Well, I think that’s ridiculous! And as I’m opening up more about the issue, I can tell it’s giving those parents that are following me and talking to me, permission to feel the loss of their children moving on. Plenty of young adults are just as scared to leave too, but too shy to talk about it. There’s almost a sense that something is wrong with your kid if they don’t want to leave.

Well, I think that is ridiculous too! How in the world are they supposed to know exactly what to do, have everything figured out, and leave the only things, comforts, and friends they have ever known? And yes, those statements are true. Of course I want my kids to move forward in their life! But people often don't talk about the fact that it's also sad. It's an exciting new chapter for their adulthood but it's also a chapter ending for their childhood and there is something very precious and sweet about childhood.

Some second chances never come, and childhood is one of them. Once it’s done, it’s DONE.

You can see I have big opinions on this and perhaps another article will come out about how the ‘kid’ feels on this subject, but for now, I just want to make the point and call out of the shadows the fact that we are all just trying to figure things out and each family, mother, father, and young adult are working through these things the best they can and it's okay if it's messy, sad, overwhelming, and disorienting. Even when the change is exciting, there can be moments, days, or even weeks, where things are not quite so exciting and are more nerve-wracking and anxiety-filled.

The answer?

Grace… lots of grace and love and hugs and tears and talks and cookies!!!! Lots and lots of those things!!! And lots more!!!

Earlier this week, I had a lighthearted moment with myself and an epiphany that struck me. I started to chuckle over the dialog going on in my head. It went something like this,

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“Damit! I did this to myself.”

I remember a few years ago when my sons would ask me if I planned to charge them rent for living in my house once they graduated from high school, as this was a common question amongst their peers. I remember giving them the ‘mom look’ and announcing that if they ended up playing video games and sitting on my couch like a couch potato and doing nothing else with their life, then “yes” I would absolutely charge them rent! (Actually, I’d probably throw the TV out the window and then still charge them rent! Yeah, that's more the correct truth of the situation. Lol)

Well, I taught my sons how to be strong, independent, hardworking, respectful, and confident young men. And now they WANT to go out on their own and be their awesome, strong, independent, hardworking, and confident selves in the real world. I thought to myself, “Oh no, I did this to myself! Wait… I take it back and change my mind!!!!! They can stay and play video games on my couch as long as they want so that they won’t leave!”

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I know… my thoughts are a bit bipolar. Chuckle. Can you relate?

I write as if I live in a fairyland of some sort, but my reality isn’t far from that. A lot of my feelings are true because I live with intention every day and I hold our family time as exceptionally important. My kids feel loved. They don't want to do bad things because they aren't searching for approval. They have stuff to work through, for sure. They are human. They fail and mess up. But at their core, they know without a shadow of a doubt that my love for them knows no bounds and they have experienced what everyone longs for, which is a place to belong.

So now it’s time! Time for them to fly out on their own.

I think the best part of all of it is that even if they don’t know yet, I know for sure that they are going to SOAR. The sky is the limit. They are unstoppable. They find favor wherever they go. They are hard workers. They are kind. They are respectful. They are honest. They are intelligent. They are thinkers. They have faith. They are grounded. They are go-getters. They are world changers!

And for every moment of love we've shared, every tear we've cried and every cheer of excitement, I am truly proud of them! I know deep down that as far as their life goes, this is just the beginning, and I'm so incredibly blessed that I was the one to hold their hands and hold their hearts.

So…

Bring on the grief!

I wouldn’t want it any other way.

P.S. This picture was taken by my lovely niece Myla.