When I struggle
I wrote this article in March of 2023
This is a deeper and darker post than I normally make, but I have a feeling that if you clicked on this post it’s because you are dealing with similar struggles. I’m glad you are here. Be encouraged friend!
Do you ever feel like you just can’t seem to find some breakthrough in certain areas of your life? Do the same struggles come repeatedly? Ever feel like you beat your head against a brick wall and just can’t seem to find freedom?
I know. I’ve been there too!
When this happens, my natural tendencies are to look for solutions, problem-solve, and dig deep within myself to find a flaw I can fix. This cycle of repetitive dysfunction drives me crazy!
Let me tell you about mine…
I have struggled for years with health issues. I’ve struggled with depression and been on medication three times. I’ve had debilitating migraines that would last hours or days on end. I’ve taken so much Excedrin over the years that my body finally started rejecting it. I’ve struggled with weight issues. Up and down and up again! Ugg… the frustration just kills me!
Many of my health issues stem from a stressful and emotionally abusive long-term marriage that I am now several years released. The toll of this stress took a huge hit on my physical body. This is not uncommon for people in my situation as our nervous system can only handle so much and will usually act up and come out in the form of physical illness if we are continuing to endure long-term extreme stress. The journey for me has been heavy and one of intentional recovery.
I am thankful that I no longer struggle with deep depression and my migraines are almost next to none, but I still have physical limitations that seem to come up regularly. My body is super sensitive to stress so even normal stress can sometimes trigger a physical reaction. Over the last few years my nervous system has been unwinding and healing but to be honest, it’s a much slower process than I’d like to admit.
Right now, I am going on almost three months of on-and-off insomnia along with a bad chest and head cold that has been going on for three weeks. I have not dealt with the insomnia issue before and it is causing me great frustration. Laying in bed and not being able to sleep zaps my energy, makes me grumpy, and leaves me wondering what is wrong with me. I’m averaging 3 nights a week of good sleep. Historically, I need sleep. I need a lot of sleep and I often joke about how I am not beautiful when I don’t get enough sleep because beauty sleep is a real thing for me! I’m surprised I can even write this article right now and have it all make sense! Lol!
Also, I have found it interesting that I have a chest and head cold that has directly affected my voice. You see, I have felt the Lord speaking very clearly the last 6 months that he was moving me into a place of public speaking. Even though terrified and completely unqualified, I have been studying, practicing, and anticipating opening up doors to start speaking. My first speaking engagement is in 11 days from today. Is it a coincidence that my voice has been attached? Probably not, but nevertheless, I’m here.
After waking up this morning feeling melancholy and tired, I picked up the phone and called a friend. We had a comforting conversation where I shared what was going on. I was able to just talk. I felt heard, and I was allowed to be seen. Talking to a good friend is a form of medicine. We all need friends like that, and I encourage you to find one and to be one. Makes a big difference in life.
During our talk, I was encouraged to take some time and ask the Lord what his purpose is for me during this time. I was reminded that my Papa knows. My Papa cares so much about me and every detail of my life that is going on. There are no surprises and no mistakes.
My angst to fix everything is at a high. I want to be normal so I can be the productive, beautiful, and influential woman I know I can be. I think, “God, if I was able to function and operate at my full potential, I would be able to do so many more good things for you.”
I took the time to pray. Do you know what He whispered to my heart?
He lead me to the scripture verse in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10
Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
The impression made upon my heart was a reminder that it’s not really about ME. God knows that I have potential. God knows I have gifts and good work to do. He is the one who gave me those gifts and good work. But if He is allowing me to experience setbacks that are forcing a slower pace than I would like, then that is still a perfect plan.
In my weakness, He is strong!
My intellectual side is wrestling with this. Do I actually believe this? I say I believe what the bible says. I am a woman of faith. I follow the Lord. So, am I willing to submit to the thought that my insomnia or lack of voice is still part of God’s plan for me during this season? Does my inability to perform, work, keep up with daily responsibilities, etc. mean that I am somehow still in God’s will?
I think so!
Allowing this concept to settle in my heart and mind is no small feat. I have a family, responsibilities, a job, stuff that needs to get fixed around the house, laundry, dinner to make, and errands that need running. The list doesn’t stop just because I didn’t get a good night’s sleep! And the stress and the worry about those items have been ringing in my ears all day.
Yet, I know my Father. I know Him because I spend time with Him. I have friends that encourage me to spend time with Him. I know that I can trust His voice even when it doesn’t make sense. I am choosing now to trust and believe that in my weakness, He is made strong; through me, in me, around me.
Practically, I will delegate my to-do list, I will ask for help, I will let expectations go, and I will push off work deadlines. I will continue to meditate on this idea that He is perfect, strong, and capable in me and through me as I choose to rest in Him.
You are dearly loved. Receive His love for you today.
Blessings,
Angela
P.S. The Blog picture is compliments of Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash