Delicate Hearts

To my Dear and Beautiful Reader,

Several years ago, I was seeing a sought-after counselor in my area who was very gifted in his practice. During one of our sessions, I remember him saying to me. “Angela, relationships are delicate. It only takes about 6 weeks for a breakup to happen if things aren’t going well.”

As I processed this, I began to pay attention. I took notes, not only on my own relationships but also on the other relationships around me. I began to see the correctness of his statement.

This realization and exercise confirmed for me the truth that our hearts are, in fact, very delicate, soft, and tender, needing reassurance, love, kindness, and connection. And we need all these things on a VERY REGULAR BASIS!

When love and connection are void, we feel a void in our hearts.

If there is conflict or frustration in us, our hearts tend to close and tighten up even faster!

I was shocked! Not sure why, as it was all quite simple to see when I assessed my own life as well as when I took the time to look around. I remember thinking, “6 weeks is not very much time.”

Even a super loyal person (like myself) who could will their way through a hard relationship doesn’t produce contentment, it just means that I’m giving into an entrenched, unhealthy pattern. Being loyal doesn’t promise happiness.

Now, I am a firm believer that loyalty is a good quality, and I don’t want to mistake the perception that just because you go through a rough patch means you should leave the relationship, especially when you’ve committed to a marriage. Another truth is that happiness, true happiness, comes from living a life you are proud of and is mostly based on yourself. Happiness isn’t in the hands of someone else to give to you.

On the other hand, because we are designed with a deep desire for connection and love when that is absent or even the opposite is happening, it can cause a deep sense of conflict within ourselves and puts us in a position of being unsatisfied or unhappy in that area.

So, what do we do about this?

First, let's talk about conflict, which produces the negative side of relationships.

Conflict is all around us, yet as humans, we seem to have an allergic reaction to it! We can’t stand to embrace conflict or work through it, we just want to run away and avoid it. Yet, that is the direct opposite of what brings connection and love.

(I need to interject a side note in this area. If you are someone who is naturally so kind and loving in your relationship, yet there is always conflict and you are doing all the work, you may be in an abusive relationship. If you are unsure, you can read my article here, which helps to bring light to abusive relationships, what they look like, and what to do about them. I am here for you and I see you!)

Back to it…You see, embracing conflict when it’s present, actually is, the conductor that allows connection to happen.

Here's a cool little analogy…

To turn on a light, the electricity has to run through a conductor (compartment or sleeve) where the filament becomes hot due to electrons losing kinetic energy. The heat is then converted to electrical radiation that allows the light to turn “on”.

More simply put, electricity flows into the conductor. The conductor is a compartment that allows a safe place for the electricity to react and heat up to move out the other side and turn the light bulb on.

In relationships, the conductor is the “intention to embrace or provide a safe place to work through the conflict” allowing negative energy to be transformed for good.

Even though several things are going on here the main point to notice is that without the conductor the heat would not be created or transmitted safely, and the light bulb would never turn on or shine. EVER!

The conductor is where all the friction/change/reaction happens. It is the place where all the conflict happens in order to work things out to produce a beautiful product!

This is much how relationships work too. Good relationships are not without conflict. Conflict is always in motion to some degree because we are two individual humans running around with our personalities, thoughts, opinions, needs, hopes, dreams, health, bodies, and preferences. Of course, there is going to be conflict! Plus, I naturally want my own way, and being selfish makes sure I will survive and live another day.

However, inside the conductor is where all the conflict happens, so in essence, we need to have a mindset that I CAN embrace (hug, run to, wrap around, press into) conflict. And to further explain what it looks like to embrace conflict in your relationship means to move towards the conflict. Provide a safe place to talk, listen, and understand your person. Allow the truth to come out about what you are feeling and thinking. Even when it's hard or awkward, allowing yourself and the other person to be seen and heard in this vulnerable way will allow you to truly SEE the other person.

When we are SEEN as human beings, we feel loved, and the natural response is warmth and fondness for each other. When I am willing to embrace conflict in my life, the intentions of my heart in that moment of embracing will allow the conflict to intersect, work itself out, and transform into something so beautiful and so miraculous that it will produce a wonder of the world!

I’m serious! Have you ever seen a couple that have put in the work over the years and are still madly in love? It's heartwarming and magical all at the same time. They live in the reward of doing hard things and embracing conflict as it arises with a heart to love, serve, and connect with each other!

Now, we will assess the other side of relationships.

Over the last few years, I’ve also practiced and concluded a theory that if it only takes 6 weeks for a relationship to break up, then the opposite must also be true!

Theory: If a relationship is in trouble and one person takes 6 weeks to turn their attention to loving, connecting, and forgiving, it could mend the hurt and bring about a thriving relationship!

Now, we know that it takes two people to have a good relationship, but there is more power in ONE person doing the small and good things to feed their relationships than we currently give credit for.

Culturally, we are met with a way of thinking that we are so individualized and so ready to stand up for ourselves that we submerge our minds and hearts into a way of being about MY boundaries, My self-care, and MY needs. This way of living is paraded and exalted because there’s a strong message sent to us in our culture that we should buck the system and make sure we are seen and individualized on every level.

There is, of course, a place where having healthy boundaries and self-care are good, but sometimes those things can become a block in allowing connection to flow because we are so focused on OURSELVES. If we can take some time and truly look at the other person and see them, see their hurts, their desires, and their hopes, and get in their boat with them, most of the time, that is what is needed for connection and love to reside!

This, ladies and gentlemen, is also where the real and tangible, beautiful magic happens in our lives.

As you know, I’m a parent expert.

I am now going to tell you a very good truth!

TRUTH: “When it comes to your parent/child relationship, your child really, truly, and deeply desires to have a relationship with YOU!”

So, if the PARENT (YOU) took the initiative to do a few simple things differently, your relationship could turn around very quickly!

And if you keep doing those few simple things, your relationship can thrive!

Unlike a love relationship where there is a 50/50 expectation, your parent-child relationship is more like an 80/20.

This is such great news! Know why? Because you as the parent have 80% influence over the relationship! 80% is a HUGE percentage of success and because of the truth I just told you that your child actually desires to have a relationship with you, then the other 20% that comes from your kid is a shoo-in based on you showing up and doing your part.

I’m not an extreme mathematician but I do know enough to know that those are some outstanding odds of what you put your time and intention to, to what you will receive in return!

So now, think about your son or your daughter and ask yourself this question, “What is one thing I would love to see happen in either their behavior or in our relationship between the two of us?”

Write down your wish!

Would you be willing to put in 20/30 minutes a day for 6 weeks to see this wish come true?

If you are willing, you will not only see that one wish come true but a plethora of other good and amazing things too!

I have seen this work many times as I’ve helped people! It is so beautiful! I can’t even tell you how special it is to see the relationship with a child be mended with their parent.

It's such a gift to both of them and one that is truly attainable.

Well, this is what I do! I help parents do just that!

Here are a few ways you can get those results:

-Think about the way you would like to be treated and do that for your kid.

-Create time to talk with your son or daughter and truly listen.

-Create time in your calendar to spend time with them.

-Read parenting books.

-I have a video course being launched next week that teaches you principles on how to raise strong kids and develop healthy lasting bonds with them. This course is priced at $300 and is a phenomenal place to start on the foundational aspects that make a relationship thrive.

(If you have a good relationship with your son or daughter and you want to enhance it and keep the strong bonds going, this course is also for you, and will teach you how to reap good things for years to come.)

-Work with me one-on-one for desired, focused attention. When you don’t know what to do, let's talk and I will show you the way to get back to a place of peace and connection in your relationship with your son or daughter.

Connection and love, along with healing and restoration, are truly possible!

I’m here cheering you on all the way!

And remember… Love Wins!

Angela

P.S. Photo by Bart LaRue on Unsplash