Extreme Love
To my son,
No length is too far.
No mountain is too big.
No amount of pressure or difficulty,
will stop me from reaching you.
I will not stop.
I will forever be your hero.
Even in the quiet.
Even in the dark.
Even when no one else is around.
Even when you do not see me.
Even when it seems impossible.
I will make a way.
I will find you.
I see you.
Always.
Forever.
This will NEVER change.
For you are mine to love.
Extravagantly.
Always.
Forever.
-Angela Brewer
My first experience with extravagant love happened when I was a sophomore in high school.
The back story is that my high school basketball coach at the time was sexually harassing and sleeping with some of the players. My sister and I had voiced our concern about his inappropriate conduct. We were dismissed by the leadership at the school and because of our act of speaking up against him, the coach started to evoke covert abuse toward my sister and me.
If you’ve never been a part of covert abuse, it’s a bit hard to explain but the simple version is that covert abuse happens under the table where it's hard to point the finger and say, “That! That thing is what is wrong.” It causes confusion and plays games with the victim's emotions. I’ve attached a link here to an outside article that explains covert abuse if you’d like to learn more.
In high school in the 90s, the rules were a bit different than they are now, and transferring to another high school was almost unheard of, especially for sports. Normally you had to physically move to the district where you wanted to play sports and there was extensive background checking to make sure your paperwork was truthful about your physical location. The WIAA was extremely strict on this at the time to keep integrity for in-district athletes, intending to keep a handle on politics running the programs.
Once my parents realized what was happening, they started to voice their concerns, lean on the appropriate authorities, and put in a transfer request. Our high school at the time was afraid of a lawsuit and approved the transfer without hesitation.
My old coach didn’t get fired for two more years. Not quite sure why it took so long and I don’t remember all the details involved but it was a crazy time for sure. Those things still happen today, so I encourage you to be involved in your kid's life to know what is going on.
I remember as a fifteen-year-old girl, I didn’t even know all that was happening. But my parents did, and they spoke up for me and got me the hell out of there!!!
When I think about this period of my life, I am so thankful that my parents stood up for me when I couldn’t. The situation was just simply above me. I had done what I could to say something about what was wrong and after that, I was at the mercy of the adults’ making decisions on my behalf.
Transferring was something that our society just DID NOT DO…
Well, WE DID IT ANYWAYS!
Having two more years of high school ball eligibility, I was truly thankful. I can’t imagine how I would have turned out differently if I had been subject to that much covert abuse for two more years as a developing teenager. I’m sure it would have changed the trajectory of my life completely.
Thank you, Mom and Dad! I am truly thankful for your example of extreme love and protection for me!
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If your kid is struggling in their life and you have been praying for help. I implore you to look in the mirror. YOU are the answer to your prayers.
YOU have been given the authority by God and the ability to stand up and make extreme decisions for your children.
Here are some examples of extreme situations that require extreme love:
1. If your kid is being bullied at school - CHANGE SCHOOLS
2. If your kid's friends are being a bad influence – GET NEW FRIENDS or HAVE THEM MOVE IN WITH A TRUSTED RELATIVE FAR AWAY for a while.
3. If your kid is having identity issues that you are uncomfortable with – PULL THEM OUT OF PUBLIC SCHOOL AND HOMESCHOOL INSTEAD.
4. If your kid is struggling with depression or mental health issues – GET THEM TO A COUNSELOR. If they don’t want to see a counselor, then rally a posse (2 or 3) of good healthy people you know in your community and ask for help. Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt, Uncle, Business Mentor, Friend from church, etc.
5. If you know your kid is struggling with porn on their phone, then – TAKE THEIR PHONE AWAY or PUT PARENTAL PERAMATORS ON IT.
6. If your kid is withdrawn and, in their room, and too much isolation – TAKE THE DOOR OFF ITS HINGES.
Now this next thing I want to share is of the utmost importance so let me be CLEAR!
EVERY SINGLE THING you do needs to be done in LOVE. This is not about wanting to control your child or making them do what you want. In fact, if you try to control them and do an extreme thing you will cause a revolt in your own home, which will lead to devastating relationship damage.
As a parent, we are called to set an example of LOVE, HEALTHY BOUNDARIES, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, and SELF CARE.
We say NO to abuse, bullying, mental health, toxic peer pressure, loneliness, isolation, etc.
WE THE PARENTS are the ones who can show up and say NO MORE to these negative things that are stealing the life from our children.
WE THE PARENTS can stand in the gap and be a wall of protection to shield our children from things that want to destroy them.
WE THE PARENTS are the ones that can reach down to the deepest darkest parts of our kid's heart and say, “I SEE YOU and I’VE GOT YOU!”, “I WILL FIGHT YOUR BATTLE FOR YOU”
Did you know that you can be extreme in your love?
Here are some ideas and a more thorough breakdown of things you can do and say about the examples above.
1. Bullying at school:
Say, “I see that the bullying at school has gotten out of hand. I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is wrong. From this moment on, you are staying home from school. We will look into getting you transferred to a different school as soon as possible. Feel free to have your true friends over for dinner tonight. I’ll get pizza, your favorite.”
2. When your kids’ friends are being a bad influence:
I would redirect their attention to other things. I’d use caution to try and pull them out completely. Friendship bonds can be really deep, so be careful that you do not become the enemy in this situation.
What you want to do instead is strategically schedule more things, so your teen isn’t available to hang out as often. Create a little distance between the quantity of get-togethers.
Then, start talking more about relationships. Talk about what a healthy relationship looks like. Talk about what bad relationships look like. Use people in your life (not their friends) like grandma and grandpa, or an aunt and uncle, or close family friends. Talk about the relationships of their peers with their own parents.
Start to have a dialogue about your observations in other people’s lives, recognizing things that are good, kind, thoughtful, helpful, respectful, and loving. Take note of ugly behavior, unkind words, bad attitudes, judgments, negativity, etc.
The idea here is to bring in an educational piece and a feeling about relationships, what feels good to us as a person, how we want to be treated, and how we should treat people. When this message becomes louder, and they begin to recognize with their eyes and feel in their hearts what healthy relationships look and feel like, they will start to gravitate towards health. Over time, they will begin to recognize things on their own about their toxic friends. It’s like a toddler that outgrows throwing a fit once they realize they can say something with their words and be heard.
This one may take some time. Stay the course. Your efforts are worth it.
3. Identity issues:
I wouldn’t say anything. Just do what needs to be done. Take them out of the environment of negative influence. Create a protected environment where they can be redirected to learn and grow from the materials, books, education, and friendships that will remind them of who they really are.
4. Depression and mental health struggles:
Say, “I understand that you don’t want to see a counselor. I know it's hard to talk to someone about your personal life when you don’t know them and are not comfortable with them. I am asking that you come with me, and we just get to know the counselor first. Let's go three times and just have generic conversations and maybe ask them some questions. Let's interview them together and then we can make a decision about moving forward and what your comfort level is.”
5. Porn on their phone:
Ask them for their phone first. Explain what you are doing and why you are putting protection on their phone. Ask your tech friends if needed ahead of time to make sure the security works and your ‘smarter than you’ teenager can’t bypass the passwords.
If this doesn’t work and the issue is still happening, you can always use a hammer and beat the phone into submission. Then you can hand the phone back to your teen. Take note of the look on their face!
And when you know they are ready to have a phone back, they can buy the whole thing themselves. In full, up front! Goodbye $1200 - $800. If they don’t have the money, great, they can get a job and start saving! This is called tough love and it is SO GOOD for them!
6. Withdrawn and isolated in their room:
Did you know that you can take their bedroom door off the hinges and at the same time look them in the eyes and say, “I love you so much. I can tell that you are struggling. I am here for you. Being locked in your room is not good for you. We have talked about this, and I need you to hear me. Come out of your room and engage with your family. We love you. We care about you. You are not meant to be alone. So, I’m going to remind you that I love you more than being afraid of hurting your feelings or making you uncomfortable. Choose to join the family. Engage in conversation. Let me help you. Then we will talk about when we can put your door back on.”
Okay parents (reader), how are you doing?
This is heavy stuff, I know!
Deep breath! (For real, if you’d like to join me, I stopped reading and took a few deep breaths here.)
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If you choose to be extreme in your love, I want to help you see that it could evoke one of the most difficult seasons of your life. I want to equip you with some ideas on how to navigate this season.
For example, if you choose to pull your kid out of school and homeschool them, well your whole life has just been turned upside down. Same with the idea of moving to a new location to provide a better environment for your son or daughter and your family as a whole. These kinds of extreme situations will cause their own form of stress.
During this season, it is extremely important to hold on to perspective.
Here are 8 things you can do to keep perspective and be successful.
1. Remember why you are making this extreme decision.
Our mind can play tricks on us and make us wonder if things were as bad as we thought and make us second guess our decisions. To protect against that and to always move with clarity, take notes and journal down what the situation was really like. Write down the details. Paint the picture of the reality and the type of hell your child was living in. This will protect you against the naysayers in your mind, especially if things are hard or seem even harder at first.
2. Think about your son or daughter 10 years into their future.
Think about how this one act of bravery on your part as their parents will dramatically change the course of their entire life. Visualize your son or daughter thriving. Visualize it to the point where tears are streaming down your cheeks and remind you of the heartache of the present and also remind you of the hope of their future.
3. Remind your son or daughter who they really are.
Any youth going through an extremely difficult time will no doubt have internal frustration, confusion, and identity questions of ‘who am I.’ So hit it head-on. Do things on purpose to speak directly into their heart about who they really are. Remind them of their true self. Say, (metaphorically speaking) “Matthew, I’d like to introduce you to Matthew. He is an amazing you man, who is super smart, intelligent, funny, and thoughtful.” Pull them into their future with your words.
4. Find support for yourself.
A friend, counselor, pastor, or coach. Ask for guidance. These are big steps and even though good, there are a hundred ways to do something, and it can be very helpful to seek support for yourself in making these kinds of big decisions.
5. Move your body.
Walk, exercise, hike, etc. Moving your body will help emotions, feelings, and stress move through and out of your physical body so it doesn’t get stuck. This will help both your physical and mental health.
6. Focus on reconnecting.
This will reinforce your love for your son or daughter and will send a clear message that you care, not just about their physical problem that led to the extreme change, but you care about the little things. It’s a way to create a deeper bond, even within the difficult season.
Sit down as a family for dinner, often!
Talk to each other more than normal and have meaningful conversations.
Spend time with your son or daughter one-on-one.
Go for a drive.
Go for a walk or hike.
Go get some ice cream with the intention of talking.
Watch a favorite movie together.
7. Don’t be afraid to walk alone.
Even though I listed in #4 about finding support for yourself. I you can’t seem to find someone who sees your situation the way you do then don’t be afraid to axe the guidance. YOU are your child’s parent. YOU alone know what is best for them. DO NOT BE AFRAID if no one else agrees with you. Stay in the lane of LOVE for your child and be okay to walk alone.
(I know what you are going through and I am her to help. To work with me one on one, click here.)
8. Hold the line.
You do not need the approval of your child to do the best thing for them. You don’t need them to be your friend. You don’t need permission from anyone. Hold the line with your extreme love. Remind your kid often that you love them and care about them. They may get mad or frustrated or withdraw from you for a while. Again, HOLD THE LINE, and do what you know is best. Eventually, they will calm down and will start to come around. They will soften and start to sprout in their newfound safety. Then, later on in their life, the overwhelming gratitude will hit them and they will genuinely thank you for being so strong and loving them so deeply.
The message of this article is to remind you as the parent to NOT BE AFRAID of doing extreme things when your child is hurting and in a situation that is beyond their control.
Sometimes we just need permission to do extreme things. I’m here to give you permission.
YOU are their voice. YOU are their savior. YOU are their protector.
YOU are the answer.
I believe in you!
-Angela
