Shattered Dreams & New Hope

Sometimes I wish I could have more time.

I wish I could have more time to do more things that I love. If I did have more time, I would make homemade sourdough bread. I would make all my own tinctures for medicine. My house would always be clean. I’d entertain and have more friends over. And I’d have a more manicured yard.

If I had more time, I would have read more books to my kids while they were growing up. I would have made more homemade meals from scratch. I would have made more blackberry cobbler! I would have gone on more trips. I would have put more effort into looking nicer each day and eating healthier more consistently.

I know we all make time for what is most important to us but I also know that you know what it feels like to wish you could have just a little more time to do a few more things on your heart.

I think this is true, especially in being a parent. Somehow when your kid is born you realize the compromise on your time compared to what used to be. And I don’t mean this in a negative way, but more in a factual way. It just is what it is.

So instead of doing the things I listed above, I wake up and help my kids get ready for school, pack lunches, and drive. I work from home and make myself available for interruptions; someone forgot their sports gear, someone needs help sending an email, or another wants to talk about their problems.

I’m often helping them communicate with adults for side jobs, or work through family conflict. I help them feel better when they are sick, making doctor appointments, and picking up their prescription. I cook dinner or get takeout. I go to their ball games, sit, and cheer loudly. I stop by the grocery store on our way home and then cook more food before bed. If I’m lucky, I have enough energy for dishes!

When I have a moment to myself in the morning or evening, I enjoy scrolling through Instagram. I love seeing the creative side of how people live. I’m attracted to the country life, filled with nature, solitude, and family. I have several accounts around that lifestyle that I follow. I enjoy seeing the homemade yummy meals, cool country yards and gardens, goats bouncing, chickens running around, and a baby on the hip. What a life!

I used to be jealous, not necessarily in a bad way but in an honest, genuine way.

You see, I used to have a life like that.

I lived on 8 acres in the country with a beautiful white house with a wrap-around porch, right on a flowing large creek nestled in the back yard. I would sleep with my window or French doors open to hear the water running through the night. I had a wood-burning stove and large windows overlooking a huge oak tree. I had a huge shop for all the projects I wanted, and a dreamy driveway lined with trees. I used to tend to honeybees and have a big garden.

I used to have all the things I now scroll on Instagram to see. I suppose it’s a way for me to still feel connected to a lifestyle that I once lived and loved.

Why don’t I have that life anymore?

Well, that is because I left.

6 years ago, to be exact.

The people inside that house were mean.

Our house was full of conflict.

Full of sarcasm.

Full of tears.

I learned the life lesson that the people in your life are way more important than the surroundings or the stuff, no matter how desirable it is.

I now live in the city. I have a small home with one full bathroom for myself and three sons. My master bedroom is large enough for my king-size bed and that’s about it. I have a tiny kitchen that fits about 1 and a half people in it at a time. And no garage.

I could have bought a different house and one closer to something I would have normally been attracted to, but this house was close to the high school with plenty of friends and a large array of opportunities at our fingertips which has been perfect for the season of life my boys and I have been in.

I do miss my old home though and I do miss my lifestyle.

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But what I do have now is PEACE.

I have love.

I have real and honest relationships.

I have daily conversations that bring connection.

I have sons who adore me and would do anything for me.

I have a family culture of gratitude, ambition, and hard work.

We also play hard and have tons of fun together.

I love how cozy my home is. I am surrounded, like a big hug, every day, and I love that feeling.

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This morning while scrolling on Instagram, I had all these thoughts rushing to my mind. Thoughts about wishing I had more time or my desire for a country home. Feeling a space of sadness for some of the shattered dreams I’ve had to walk through.

I don’t push away sadness anymore. I listen to her. I acknowledge her. I tell her I see her. She thanks me for being acknowledged and just like a gentle breeze, she brings gratitude and perspective to my heart, closing in with a hug of contentment.

I felt a pull to share with you my thoughts this morning. I have a feeling that you can relate to having real-life shattered dreams or things you thought would be different than they are now.

But I will tell you another truth for me… Even though it was hard to leave a home I loved, I would not trade what I have now for ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.

The shattered dream can be repaired. A new home in the country can be bought. I could plant a new garden if I want. A new meaningful relationship with a man can be kindled. And honestly, I look forward to those things.

But I already have the greatest treasure that life could bring. A truly honest, deeply connected family who is one day at a time, honest, real, and makes an effort to have true connections.

My life is good!

My heart is full! 

So whatever dreams that have shattered for you, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for your pain. Remember there is hope. Remember that the people in your life are worth so much more than money or things.

Money, possessions, and accomplishments are meant to add to our life.

People are meant to BE our life.

Today is a great day to list the things you dream about in your heart that have not yet come to life. Dream big and don’t take shortcuts. Allow yourself to feel the things that come up for you and honor those dreams by acknowledging them.

Today is also a perfect day to list the things you are truly thankful for. Be detailed. Lavish descriptive praises for the people you love and the things in your life that you cherish most.

I’ll be thinking of you,

Angela