Angela’s top 10
1. Car Time
I love car time because it is a place where everyone is trapped together without the option of leaving! It acts like a bubble for closeness. I have had some of the best conversations with my kids while driving. It gives an easy platform for being silly, telling jokes, and rocking out to our favorite songs.
Also, when one of my kids is going through a tough time I will say, “Hey, let's go for a drive!” We usually end up getting a special drink at a coffee stand and then just driving around town with no exact destination. This can give us the privacy and alone time we need away from the busy house. On occasion, I’ll even hear… “Mom, can you keep driving, I’m not ready to go home yet and I want to keep talking?”
2. Bake Cookies.
After the cookies come out of the oven, I put them on a plate and sit down in the living room. Instinctively my kids' noses perk up and end up effortlessly following the plate to the living room and sitting down with me. Then as we are eating cookies someone usually starts talking about something funny that happened that day and we are off into good conversations. Laughter is usually present and there is always a cookie counting and dividing fiasco about who gets how many.
Some of the best conversations that my boys and I have had is when I’ve done this. Nothing specifically planned but the conversations start organically. When they see how much fun they had ‘connecting’ they will gladly sit down the next time I bake cookies.
3. Tea Before Bed
A few years ago, I was looking for a way to calm my nerves before bed and trying to implement some wind-down time from busy days to help me sleep better. Over the weeks and months that followed, one by one, each son would ask if they could have some too! It got to the point where they loved it so much that whoever thought of it first would just make a cup for everyone. Something is comforting about drinking a warm soothing drink before bed. And living in the beautiful Pacific Northwest, days are usually cooler than warm year-round so a warm drink at night is quite comforting, and the feeling of comfort is often followed by a feeling of contentment and happiness. Sometimes we would be spread throughout the dining room and living room, the boys working on homework, and me reading. Sometimes we were all piled into our tiny living room visiting. Didn’t matter because we were together.
4. Going on a Walk
I love this one! Well, I love them all, but I really like this one. I think because when I am walking, I’m not in a hurry and I can just stroll down the lane and enjoy the scenery. Preston often comes with me and rides his bike. We have short stories or intermittent conversations that lend themselves to being more casual. People love seeing us out walking and I often get waves and visits from nearby neighbors. When my older sons join me, it is fun to see the look on people’s faces because you usually don’t see a teenage son, (or two of them) walking with their mother. Sometimes I’ll lean in and wrap my arm under theirs and let them escort me on our walk.
A favorite tradition is taking a walk after dinner to our local creamery. On our way home we always swing by and say hi to the fish in the nearby neighbor's pond.
5. Decorating my Living Room
I love decorating my living room, fluffing the pillows, and making sure the lap blankets are in the basket because I know it’s a place we all love to come and sit. I have one huge tufted oval footrest that acts as a coffee table when not in use by the extremities that hugs the overly small space. We can all sit, one in each chair, and two on the couch, and put our feet up on the ottoman all at the same time! The living room is dressed with a real wood fireplace and in the winter it's just a delightful place to all curl up and converse. Often, if I’m sitting down, one or all will come join me.
When you get used to having conversations and enjoying them, the opportunity for more becomes a magnet. I love to create a beautiful space as it draws us all in.
Another note about my living room is that I have a lovely gold-patterned couch. It is more of a large settee than an actual couch but because my living room is so small, I needed a couch that had specific dimensions. You can comfortably fit two people on this couch but three will squish if needed, especially for cuddling.
My older sons are tall and can’t stretch out on my beautiful small gold couch. However, I will say that I have come home many days to a sleeping 6’5” teenager all sprawled out, feet dangling up and over, catching some afternoon zzzzz in complete bliss! I asked them once why they don’t just go sleep on the larger couch we have in the bonus room, and they replied that this couch is just so cozy! I’m not sure I believe that. They just like being in the main area of the house because it is so inviting, and they feel comforted in our home.
6. Storytime
Storytime never gets old! When all three were younger and I would start to read one of them a story, it was inevitable that the other two would find their way to the couch and curl up to join in. Now that the older two are older, I still snuggle up with my 9yo and have story time. You’d think he would outgrow it by now, but he absolutely loves it and asks for it every night. It’s so simple. I often have a hard time pulling myself away from dishes and other household things when it's time to put him to bed, but I have never regretted it one time whenever I choose to do it. Somehow it calms both of us. One of our favorite books over the years has been The Jesus Storybook Bible by Salley Lloyd-Jones.
I have cried more times than I’d like to admit because the story touches my heart too. We read it on repeat at the request of Preston.
7. An Open Chair by My Bed
This is a big one, especially if you have junior higher or high schoolers. They tend to stay up later than I would like, and I often want to rest in bed and read or work on my to-do list or calendar for the next day. Because our family has a culture of talking, my boys would often come to find me in the evening, knock on my open door, and come in. Whenever they came over and sat in the chair next to my bed, I knew that was a sign that we were going to be up for a while. Some of the most precious and heartfelt problem-solving conversations happened in that chair. I remember this one season particularly when one of my sons was dealing with deep depression. He would just sit in the chair by my bed, almost daily at night, and just talk, or sit, or cry. We would work through the struggles together, even when there wasn’t much to say. Over time, the chair itself meant that my door and my heart were open, so come on in!
8. Errands together.
Costco anyone? The thought of all the food samples just made everyone pile into the car. We’d walk the aisles and converse in choppy conversations while I dodged the overwhelming requests to add more to the cart. After an exceptionally high-mounted cart of groceries, which was normal for us, we would exit the store with some good laughs trying to navigate blindly to the car! Everyone satisfied!
9. Games Games Games
Monopoly! Chess! Sorry! Uno! Rummy! Poker! Exploding Kittens! Ping Pong! Bowling! Pool! Fortnight! Mario! Ticket To Ride! Catan! Jenga! And Dart Gun Fights!
The more games we played, the more fun we would have! And being in a highly competitive family there were many, many poor losers, and overly conceited victors! What can I say, I raise strong men!
10. Doing Chores Together.
I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had over folding a pile of laundry, cooking together, or weeding together. The conversation usually interrupts the chores and makes everything take longer but we sure have more fun doing them!
Tips for success:
Have conversations on purpose. Practice and don’t be afraid if you’ve put forth effort and no one is saying anything. Silence is okay too. The feeling of being together is also bonding, even if no words are exchanged.
If your kids aren’t talkers, practice asking open-ended questions. This allows for more than just yes or no questions. Sometimes when I’m tired, I’ll think of a few questions to ask ahead of time. A little bit of preparedness goes a long way.
If your teen has a phone, ask them (or tell them) to put their phone away at times. I had a rule in my car that they couldn't be on their phone if they wanted to sit in the front seat! Lol! It's good for them to put it down for a while and just be present with the person who is physically in front of them.
If your child is in the back seat, have them sit in the middle, or the opposite side of you so you can use your rearview mirror to look at them during your drive while you’re talking.
Tell them something you are excited about or something good about YOUR day. You are a human too and it's fun when they get to experience you in this way. Share the details of your life and they will soon start to care about the back and forth of your relationship.
I hope you enjoy the rest of this beautiful day!
Much love,
Angela
P.S. Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
