How a busy mom changed this one thing
I have a client who originally came to me a couple of months ago in desperation, feeling completely overwhelmed at how to manage all the demands of her life. She works a full-time job, runs the household, manages schedules, and is trying to figure out how to meet her kid's needs. She, quite frankly, felt she was falling completely short.
Her two teenagers were starting to give her some real attitude and her younger daughter was just not listening and running wild.
Days and nights seem to mesh into one single thread of chaos.
In our first session together, we talked about all these issues, her concerns, and what some of the details and breakdowns were for each child. We talked about her desires as a mom and what she hoped her home would feel like. She shared the disappointment about how year after year, even with her best efforts, at the end of the day she just always felt like there was not enough of her to go around.
For her sanity, she was routinely walking to try and stay on top of at least a few healthy habits, but time was limited and so was her energy. She felt the pressure of everything and came to the full realization that what she was doing wasn’t working.
------------
Before I tell you the end of the story, I want to share a few things with you.
Sometimes as parents, we just need to talk and get out all the frustrations trapped in our bodies. We literally hold emotions in our muscles and when our internal dialog gets going in a negative circle and problem-solving just isn’t working, we can get trapped in a conundrum loop. Frustration builds and then our behavior becomes someone we don’t even recognize or want to be associated with. Meaning, we don’t even like ourselves or who we have become.
Talking to a good friend, counselor, or coach can help move the negative energy we hold inside. Releasing all the negative energy is vital to our whole body; physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and psychologically. Oftentimes this exercise of verbalizing our thoughts and feelings can open a channel that releases all the tension. After the tension is released, we can then embody a sense of calm and reset our hearts and expectations.
This can happen even when nothing external has changed. No answers have been given. No real tangible to-do’s have been advised. It’s simply an act of love for yourself to talk it out and let go of worry and embrace peace.
Driving home the point; talking does wonders. So, who are you going to call? Which friend can you meet with for coffee? Counselor or coach? Mentor or sister? This step is extremely important to keep your sanity as you walk through this parenting journey!
Then there are other times as a parent, we need specific, tangible, hands-on, practical advice that works! This is where the rubber meets the road and we need help to pull our sleeves up, get to work, and make changes! Hearing things like, “You’ve got this!” or “I know how you feel” or “Maybe try…” really are not helpful anymore and honestly, just add fuel to the steaming hot internal fire, leaving us feeling that if one more person tells us to just ‘hang in there’ we are going to explode. Which is usually followed by an episode or two of bawling our eyes out. I know, I’ve been there!
This is the part in the downward spiral where everyone in the house starts tiptoeing around you. Things get eerily quiet, and the kids start doing the dishes without you even asking!
Then you think, why couldn’t they just do that from the beginning? Why do I have to get to my absolute wits end before they start doing even just a few things that I’ve been asking them to do, and without fighting, mind you?
But it still doesn’t matter at this point. The tears have started, and you are utterly convinced that your children are wretched, and you have failed as a parent.
Yes, being a mother or father is hard. In fact, it’s most likely the hardest thing you will ever do.
It's hard because it never ends. It is a 24/7 job. You don’t get paid. They take almost all your money. And after they have grown, they leave you, empty-handed, and give nothing in return.
Sound depressing? Yes, well that’s because sometimes it can be.
What we need to talk more about is, “why do we have children in the first place?”
Good question…
One reason we have children is because we had sex, and the sperm and the egg met and became friends... 😊
Secondly, we have children because we have an internal desire to leave our mark on the world and we want our life to matter, and leaving something or someone behind feels like we contributed to a life well lived. There is some real psychology in having ancestors as well as leaving a legacy, which all have to do with our parents, grandparents, and our children, and then their children.
Thirdly, we desire to connect with other humans. To live life with people we love. To know that we created a beautiful little life that comes from us. It’s a magical, miraculous experience to have a child and it opens the most tender places of our soul.
As a mother, to feel this little life growing inside of your womb somehow stretches our minds and emotions, expanding us outside of any concrete dimensional experience. Quite literally, you are and are creating a living breathing miracle. The little, teeny tiny fingers and toes. The cute petite button nose and oh, how they curl up into a snuggle ball when you hold them! Priceless…
As a society, we normalize conception, pregnancy, childbirth, and child-rearing because almost everyone has kids. We all know how the world goes round so the act of lovemaking and human creating becomes systematic. At least from a broader, cultural, and historical perspective.
Yet, how many of us have both, the most joy and love, along with the greatest sadness and heartache from those people in our lives… our children, our own parents, and our lovers?
It's profound if you stop and think about it.
Sure, the pleasures of life are fun… to buy a boat, go wine tasting, enjoy fancy parties, go on hikes, or remodel your house. All these things contribute to the quality of life. But they are all small compared to the people. It's just a bunch of stuff. And would you really want to go on a boat BY YOURSELF, wine taste BY YOURSELF, go to a fancy party BY YOURSELF, go on a hike BY YOURSELF, or remodel your house BY YOURSELF?
Here is an exercise for you. This might be hard to do, but if you’re willing, close your eyes and imagine your life for a moment, exactly as it is now. The same job. Same house. Same car. Same amount of money in your bank. Same food in your fridge, etc.
Now, take out all the people…! Take them ALL out and visualize yourself in your exact setting with NOBODY else around…FOREVER!
Honestly, my extremely introverted self is quite tempted to say, “Ahhhh, now that’s better!” LOL! But even for me, it would only last a short while.
How many hours or days do you think it would take for you to get lonely?
How long do you think you could make it on your own?
Even if you were feeling lonely, how long do you think you could at least hold it together?
How long until your spirit breaks?
.
.
.
Even though living and loving and forgiving and making time for people can at times be difficult, the effort to invest yields a much greater return and this is something to keep in mind, always.
Connecting to the hearts of our kids is vital. For them. For you. I’ll add at this point that connecting to the hearts of your lover is also vital. For them. For you.
I believe that love is a gift and each of our people is worth fighting for.
------------
During our follow-up session this morning, my client reported to me how much better things were going in her home. Life was still full, with lots going on, but she contently and warmly reported that after trying the ideas that we had talked about, it was working!
In our first session, I reminded her that each of her children wants to be seen, loved, heard, and valued. Each one of them needs and wants to connect with their mother. I suggested that because she was already in the routine of walking, to invite them, one at a time, to walk with her. Alternating days per child, giving them undivided attention for the period of their walk.
After weeks of implementing this idea, she reported that her kids, over time, began to love it! They loved it so much that they started to ask for it on their own. She would often hear, “Mom, can we go on a walk today?” “Mom, when is it my turn next to go on a walk with you” “Mom, I know you already went on a walk with my brother, but would you go on a walk with me today too?”
She even reported that her kids usually LOVE their TV time but will skip it in a heartbeat if that is their time for a walk with mom!
She said things have shifted so much, that it has opened better communication throughout the day in other settings that used to be quite stressful.
This is because her children feel SEEN! Their little/big hearts are being tended to, individually, a few times a week.
I asked my client if she would write a summary of the things they have experienced from their time together. Here are her words.
“Walking with my kids has evolved into walking around the street by our home. It has become a daily "do” they all ask if they can walk with me. It's wonderful and I love it just as much as they do. We usually walk before bed. I'll take one kid around the loop and then when we get back another one is often waiting on the swing for their turn.
Sometimes they just start talking and don't stop and when we get back to the house they ask if we can go to the other end of the street. Other times I get to talk to them and or ask questions. I use this time specifically to see how they are really doing and be there! Sometimes I will ask the same questions to all 3 (which is so fun to see how they all answer) Ex: What do you love about life right now? What is Jesus telling you lately? Are you afraid of anything and why?
This time together really gives me the opportunity to share things in my life, relate to them, and encourage and support them! My son always starts our walk with "Mom how was your day” It’s so sweet!
Walking with them has just opened the door for building our relationship in such a fun way!! I really love it, and we get some exercise and fresh air too. Sometimes, they are quieter, and we just hold hands and walk which is very special too. Makes me cry! Lol”
When children feel connected in their hearts, their attitudes and bad behaviors calm down, they listen and respect you as the parent more, there are better more honest conversations that can take place, and over time, this builds a trustable relationship they can lean on.
This is just one story of a beautiful mother who is doing her best and applying real effort to the things that matter. We tweaked a few simple things on the daily, and she is seeing great results!
Raising kids is not problem-free. It never will be. But having a heart-to-heart connection makes life so much more enjoyable when riding the highs and allowing a place to be held when things are low.
Connection makes the heart stronger, and life is overall so much more meaningful.
I hope that this story has inspired you and left you feeling warm and hopeful that you too can experience this kind of connection in your home and relationships.
Happy walking!
P.S. Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash
