Creating a Home You love

What exactly does it mean to ‘create a home you love’? We hear this expression thrown around quite a bit, mainly in the interior design world and because my secondary love is to do exactly that, create a home I love, I’ve heard the expression a thousand times as I’ve immersed myself, gleefully, into beautiful books, photos, authors, and storefronts all centered around interior.

Over the years I have tended to the walls and spaces of each of my homes and brought together a cohesiveness of colors, patterns, textures, and simply put; treasure that I love. So, I guess, according to the standard of the cultural verbiage that I hear, I have arrived at knowing how to create a home I love. There is of course always more to do and always another project on my mind, but the foundation is established, and I truly love opening my front door and walking into my house. I instantly feel hugged, and a deep sigh of stress usually leaves my body as I realize I’m in the most comfortable, beautiful, peaceful, and intimate place I know, my home.

Over the last year, I’ve been thinking a lot about this. I’ve asked myself over and over, what really creates a home I love? I automatically knew it was more than just the colors and the arranging of furniture. I knew that it had to do with the people in my house also. But how do you communicate that? How do you bring the two together in a way that made sense? Maybe there are others ahead of me in figuring this out, but I still found myself circling in a mental dialog.

I know plenty of wonderful people who have lovely homes with great style and comfy, inviting spaces. I also know too well, unfortunately, that more times than I’d like to admit, those people feel alone. Sometimes those people have others living with them and some of them are truly by themselves, so that concludes that there isn’t really a guarantee that just because people live in your house that you will feel connected and love your life.

I also know this firsthand. I had a family unit once (husband + wife(me) + kids… and a dog = family unit), but sadly, there was not much peace. Over the years, I’ve lived in beautiful homes with luxurious furniture and custom-made curtains and four car garages. I had a country house once with a wraparound porch overlooking a creek, rolling fields, and a view of my very own “Tree of Souls” (from Avatar) which was an enormous oak tree front and center of my vaulted ceiling windows. I have literally had everything I ever wanted in the form of a house and property. Yet, I was far from happy and the relationship turmoil between my former husband and I was brutal on my sensitive soul.

I experienced firsthand that even though I was surrounded by all the beautiful things, it was truly a far cry from a happy home or one I loved.

When buying my first house all by myself a few years ago, I needed my house to be in a specific neighborhood so my kids could walk to school. Neither of my older sons were driving yet and I needed help as a single mother trying to get back on her feet.

There were two houses for sale at the time and I was scared. The housing market in my area was in a complete bidding war. Houses had multiple offers and were selling, significantly overpriced. I went one day with my realtor, looked at both houses, and put an offer on the one I currently own. I did not overpay and the whole process was just one of the miracles that reminded me I was being watched over by someone from above.

The house I bought was not the nicest of the two. The other house had more square footage, a garage, and a master bathroom, plus a significantly larger sized back yard. It had a taller roof line and was tucked at the end of a dead-end street. Even writing this out now, I’m questioning my sanity as to why I did not buy that one. Lol!!!

I remember walking into the second house. It was old, small, had a quirky entrance (entrances to me are actually really important.) It had a gally kitchen, which wasn’t my favorite. It had one full bathroom for the whole house, no garage, chain-link fencing, cracked driveway, low roofline, and absolutely NO architectural design whatsoever (which was also important to me) Uggg… Seriously why…WHY???

I remember driving up to the house and thinking, “Ok, she’s a little cute, humble for sure, reminded me almost of a ‘plain Jane’ vibe. She had good bones but nothing more. As I walked into the house and looking around, I remember feeling like the soul of the house felt special. The feeling of peace seemed to blow through the rooms like a whisper of a breeze. It’s hard to explain but I felt much more at home in this little, awkward space than I did at the other place. So, I bought the house.

It was not peachy at first. We were downsizing from a 2850sq ft, four car garage, beautiful house with 25-foot entry ceilings, to a 1620 sq ft house, no garage, and standard 7’8” ceilings throughout. Did I mention NO GARAGE!? Plus, the slight remodels or improvements looked like someone had just slapped up some puddy, poorly painted, and added a decent backsplash to the kitchen and called the house “updated”! WOW, REALLY!? I was not impressed to say the least.

We had to learn how to be thankful on a whole different level and to be honest, I was embarrassed most of the time.

The first full year we lived there was when Covid shut the schools down. My mother had offered to help me and my sister homeschooled our kids so we could continue to work.

Side note that isn’t really a side note: I am truly thankful for the time that my mother spent with my sons. From that perspective the year created some very special memories, and I will always look back on that time as a rewarding time of relationship building and what it means to be family and help each other. Thank you Mom, I love you very much!

But what that meant in a practical way, is that because my house was the most centrally located and had the best layout for school, all the kids came to MY house every day! I also wasn’t about to let my kids be isolated and even though I followed the rules when out, my home was a different story, and I opened my doors wide and strong for any teenager whose parents would let them come over and do school. There were four grade-schoolers that my mom taught and anywhere between three and seven teenagers over every day doing school together. I think this one single act of bravery on my part is what significantly helped my kids wade through the shut down and not become depressed like most of their peers.

It was really, really hard to have people in my house every day. I am an introvert and I really need time and space to be able to breathe and hibernate away from some of the craziness around us. So, leaving my house in the morning with a bunch of kids around and then coming home to either a bunch of kids still, and often a mess to clean up, left my nerves a bit undone! It was stressful! I remember telling myself to ‘suck it up’ though because I knew it was the best solution for all the external stress happening in the world and my home was a place of comfort and landing for so many kids and teens.

Sadly though, what happened is that I began to hate my house. I didn’t want to come home. I bought the house 5 days before school started that year, so I barely had enough time to unpack the kitchen and set up our beds. Because all the people were in our home, I didn’t tend to it like I was used to and frankly, I missed the act of cleaning, organizing, decorating, and improving. It was part of my unwinding and stress relief. I didn’t have that outlet and it was hard to move the pent-up energy I housed in my body.

I remember this one particular morning where I was in my bathroom fixing my hair and my mother and sister were talking to me in the doorway. I was frustrated and they could tell. They asked me what was wrong and were genuinely trying to check in on me.

I burst out in an exaggerated tone that I hated my x because he had done yet another thing that was hurtful and I was feeling like I had all these issues from all these problems in my life and yet I’d spent thousands of dollars on counseling over the years and self-help and trying to be a better person and for what? To be in a house I hate, a single mother of 3, and broke. Even after acknowledging that I had clearly a lot more work to do on myself, I blurted out that I had decided I was not going to spend another dime on counseling and instead keep all my problems and go on a vacation instead!

They stared at me with wide eyes and surprised looks on their faces because their usually calm, collected, lovely daughter/sister had just lost her composure, something they didn’t see very often.

After a few blank stares, and a moment of silence, we all burst out laughing!

Yep, that’s how some days went.

I’ve lived in my house now for several years and it has all turned out quite lovely. I still have moments that I struggle with the house, but I now walk in the door and absolutely love how alive and comforting and beautiful she is, a reflection of who I am inside.

Circling back to where we started, a house itself can be a place you love, but not always give you the feeling of love. I touched on it earlier, but the difference is the people.

Who lives in your house? Why are they there? How are your relationships? Are you just beings, walking and passing each other by or are you intertwining, talking, listening, snuggling, etc.?

In a metaphorical way, your home has a heart (the feeling, decoration, style, comfort, etc. that all come together) but your body also has a heart (the feelings, needs, comforts, longings etc.) that come from within. When the two hearts overlap, where the place you physically live gives you love and comfort, AND the people around you give you love and comfort… well now, that is HOW to create a home you love!

And going a little bit deeper, the PEOPLE far outweigh the house itself. We can talk about more of that later because I have lots of thoughts on that point, but for the sake of this writing I’m going to keep it simple and true. The connection you have to the people’s hearts inside your home will produce a sense of belonging for everyone. It’s totally worth all the effort. So go all out!

A couple summers ago my son Wesley, who was 16 at the time, had traveled to Las Vegas for a basketball tournament, his eyes were opened in a whole new way being his first time there. He was impressed with all the lights, glamour, fancy hotels, endless food, view of the city, pools & gambling. Being a young man, he of course noticed all the explicit and vulgar side of Las Vegas but he was truly impressed with the over the top experience that the whole environment brought.

I remember my Mama heart having to trust my gut that he was mature enough to handle the scene and the people he went with I trusted were able to oversee the trip. I was right.

When he returned, I remember the morning after when he woke and came out of his tiny humble bedroom and walked a few feet to our super small and cozy living room, he plopped himself on the couch to join me while I sat in my chair reading. He sleepily looked at me and said, “Mom, it was an interesting trip. I learned a lot. I saw a lot of amazing things. But I have to say, I’m so glad to come back, I really love our home.”

He does love his bed and the simple comforts of our four walls but what he was really saying is “Mom, I love us! Who we are as a family and how we do life together.” He knows without a doubt that he is loved and belongs.

I tucked that moment away in my Mama heart, one to be remembered forever! Oh, that was an incredibly special thing for me to hear. One victorious moment reminding me that every day of being intentional with my home and the relationships I had built with my sons outweighed the glamor and worldly attraction of The Strip.

We don’t always know how our efforts are rubbing off on our kids. They usually don’t acknowledge what we are doing, nor do they truly appreciate it. Their minds can’t comprehend what they are experiencing, and they don’t have the knowledge or depth to compare it to any other way of life so it can often feel daunting and lonely to show up and be an intentional parent every day.

When you have a spouse or significant other, your affection is a transference. You love on them, they love on you, and visa versa. But with kids, you just simply give! Over and over and over, you give, with almost nothing in return. The repetition of being a kind and responsible parent can be an internal reward, but not much appreciation comes outside of yourself, so staying strong in the longevity of parenting can be tough.

This is why we need each other as parents and mentors. To encourage each other in the good and the rough times to keep going. The moments of reward are worth it.

I hope I have filled you with some empowerment that your efforts are beautiful, and they matter. You really are shaping the life of a human being and they deserve all the best you can give. They are learning from you how to love themselves and others. Your direct response and teachings to them are the most influential mirror they have as they grow. Because you are their parent, you are the most important person in their life.

I can’t wait to share more with you. This parenting journey is exactly that… a journey. Just know I’m here, cheering you on all the way!

Now, as I close my eyes and imagine, I am sending you all the wishful thinking and fairy dust you need to allow your heart to fly and create a home you love!

Hugs,

Angela

P.S. The picture for this blog is of my front door, the one to my home, where my heart is!