I CHOSE ME
It takes great courage to sit in your pain and face it.
It takes even more courage to choose to heal from it and not let it swallow you whole.
Facing the pain is the only way to heal.
Moving past the pain is the only way to live victorious.
-Angela Brewer
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My journaling notes:
Today is a hard day for me. I’ve been intermittent fasting and today is day 32. I’ve lost 7 lbs. and from what I’ve learned about intermittent fasting is that the following 30 days should be a huge wave of results in my weight loss and journey to a continued healthy body. Can’t wait!
Fasting has allowed me to center in my core and create stability so I can tackle more hard things. This morning, a wave of emotional pain and healing swept through my body.
I had sensations, memories, and experiences that all flashed before me. It started last night when I was trying to go to sleep but couldn’t. My mind was racing. I had a great day yesterday, so I was a bit perplexed as to why this was coming up now. I guess my body was ready to let go of a deeper layer of trapped trauma.
After a long night of tossing and turning and a few hours of interrupted sleep, the sun rose. My panic feeling was still weighing on my body, and I felt heavy. After tending to the morning routine and getting my son to school, I came home and just rested.
While lying down in my bed, I felt the void coming up inside me.
I’ve learned over the years that it's good if I can just hold space for those intense feelings. Sometimes they need to come up and be seen so they can work themselves out and I can experience another layer of healing.
A throbbing pain traveled through my heart. The ache covered my chest and went all the way down my arms and into my fingers. Pain… emotional pain… that is what I felt.
I just let it come.
For two hours I lay there, resting, closing my eyes, feeling, releasing, and murmuring a few prayers. I’ve done this exercise before and from my experience, kindness to myself is such a beautiful gift when I am hurting. Kindness, lots of kindness!
I talked to myself and reminded myself that it's okay to feel. It's okay to hurt. I won't stay in this place forever and the pain will pass. I acknowledged some of the bad memories that came to my attention. At times, my eyes filled with tears and released tension from my body.
I took deep breaths.
I talked to myself and told myself how lovely I am, and how proud I am to be me. I took notes on all the progress that I've currently made in areas of my life. I listed things that I’ve accomplished and noted how far I’ve come from other dark places. I listened to music and drowned myself in the emotions that came up in this song, just letting everything come out. All these things helped me move through the pain and process what I was feeling.
After my heart stopped throbbing, I got up and walked around my house. I filled my beautiful teapot with water and set the stove on high, a physical act to comfort my insides.
I felt dizzy and worn down.
Then, I had a wave of different emotions rush over me… FEAR!
“Am I ever going to be, okay?” were the familiar thoughts that came crashing down.
“Will I ever feel like I can be a whole person?”
“Are my holes too great for someone else to love?”
When you’ve been tainted and bruised, the trauma can run circles around you and leave you feeling emotionally undone, never to recover.
I sat with those thoughts for a few moments and hugged my fears.
Then, I sprinkled kindness.
“Yes, Angela, you will be okay.”
“Angela, you are okay.”
“You don’t have to worry anymore.” “He can’t hurt you.”
“You’ve grown and healed and done so much hard work.”
“You love so deeply, and you let others love you too.”
“You are simply lovely on every level.”
“Others need to hear your story.”
“Others need to see your strength.”
“It's going to be okay, even if it's hard today.”
“Everywhere you go, you share life, love, and hope with people.”
“You help people work through hard things.”
“You help people have better relationships in their life and that is when life is most meaningful.”
Deep breath…
“Yes, Angela, those things are the TRUTH!”
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Hello Dear Friend!
What I just described to you is what is called a healing crisis. A healing crisis is when our bodies feel safe enough to let out our stuck trauma. It's quite a powerful experience and can happen both physically and emotionally. You can read more about that here if you like.
Today, I’d like to share a little bit of my story and why I found myself in a healing crisis in the first place.
Many years ago, I was in a long-term emotionally abusive marriage.
By the time I decided to leave, it had been sixteen years of a rollercoaster ride and I had been promised through words many times before that change would come.
It never did.
I wanted so badly to believe him when he said he would change. Internally though, I knew I was drowning in a lake of hopium.
Hopium is a term introduced to me by my counselor to convey an ‘addiction to hoping’, a whole-body desire that someone will change, keeping you blinded to the truth of an unusually twisted abusive situation.
Normally, hope is a good thing, keeping your anticipation alive and the longing for something good. However, it can become its own devil when your hope is greater than the love you have for yourself and keeps you in a relationship where someone is continually abusing or hurting you.
Emotional abuse is one of the deadliest things on the planet.
No physical scares, no bruises, and no outward appearance that something is wrong. Lots of covert manipulation that causes confusion and an internal twisting of yourself into a shell of who you once were. Most people can’t recognize it. Many think you are lying. And even if someone does believe you, they often don’t know how to help you. It can be very lonely.
During my separation, I heard things like this.
“Did he beat you, Angela?”
Me, “No”
“Did he swear at you, Angela?”
Me, “No”
“Didn’t he buy you flowers and take you on romantic trips?”
Me, “Yes”
“Well, what's the problem then?”, “Are YOU lying?”
Me… Silence. I don’t need to defend myself just because you don’t understand.
I did have a couple of people in my corner who knew the truth. They wrapped their arms around me and helped me every step of the way. It brings tears to my eyes as I write this and there are truly no words that express my gratitude for those beautiful souls. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! You know who you are!
Here in this writing, I want to share and expose what emotional abuse is and what it does to a person.
Many of these things happened to me regularly and for years.
SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE
In an intimate relationship, emotional abuse can look like when a partner:
· Criticizes you. Of the ten things you did right that day, they highlight the one thing you didn’t get done and get on your case about it.
· Acts extremely jealous or possessive of you.
· Belittle your accomplishments, your thoughts, or feelings.
· Isolates you from your family, friends, or community.
· Do things on purpose to make you late for engagements or sabotage special events.
· Blocks you from making new friends or joining social groups, unless approved by them.
· Stonewalling; Ignores your presence for several hours, days, or weeks.
· Gives the silent treatment or cold shoulder for hours, sometimes not even knowing what you did wrong.
· Causes arguments on purpose. Pushes your buttons and over-communicates about things to cause exhaustion.
· Pressures you to commit and becomes angry or sulks when you don’t commit or do what they want to do.
· Uses their body, angry emotions, and gestures to intimidate you.
· Criticize other people you love in your life.
· In severe cases, they can threaten to take your children away from you or call child protective services (CPS) on you.
· Use their high-end job status and or title as an excuse to keep secrets or hold a ‘power over’ position.
· Calls you “crazy,” “too sensitive,” or denies abuse is happening when confronted (ex. gaslighting)
· Flirts with other people to intentionally hurt you but is furious if there are even the smallest gestures in return.
Here is a quote from an article that describes emotional abuse well.
“When emotional abuse is present in a relationship, you may feel off-balance, like you're walking on eggshells, or question your judgment more than usual. This is because an abusive partner uses harmful behaviors like the tactics above to manipulate and control their partner, so they feel powerless. That’s why it is so important to trust your instincts when your partner does or says something that doesn’t feel right to you.
Emotional abuse is extremely dangerous and detrimental to a person’s well-being and often has lifelong psychological effects. An abusive partner’s behavior is likely to escalate as time goes on, and they will often use emotional abuse in combination with other abuse types and tactics to obtain and maintain power in the relationship.”
To read the full article, click here.
Another quote I like is this one.
One of the key aspects of emotional abuse is persistent patterns — a system of power and control; a calculated degrading of another person. When this kind of persistent pattern (which includes a purposeful mindset and destructive behaviors) is present, the term “emotional abuse” is accurately used.
Find the full article here:
Christina Perri has a beautiful song that describes emotional abuse and how it feels. Being moved by music, I’ve listened to it many times over. Sometimes it's nice to have something tangible that can express what you feel inside, and her song “Human” is remarkable for doing just that. If you would like to be validated in your feelings, or understand what a friend might be going through, this is a great song.
I’ve asked myself many times over the last few years why I stayed so long. A few reasons come to mind. One, I believe in marriage. I meant my vows and I wanted our marriage to work, so I kept trying. Secondly, we had three children together and it was worth the fight to try and keep our family intact. Thirdly, the cycle of abuse is real and intense. I was stuck in that cycle for a long time, unsure what to do.
At this point in my writing, I’d like to take a sidestep and share a few things from a different perspective.
I want to share another side of abuse that often doesn’t get talked about. That side is about the abusers themselves. First, let me say that abuse is never okay. EVER. The truth I want to acknowledge in this moment though is that the abusers themselves are hurting.
Hurt people, hurt people.
Their need to cover up their pain and trauma can come out in an unhealthy way and be damaging to those closest to them and patterns of dysfunction and abuse can become ingrained as second nature. This is why it’s hard for people to leave. Even though you are hurting, you also at times see the abuser's pain and want to help. Over time they can become so angry, you’re just simply too afraid of them to leave. But it's not uncommon to have both fear and love for your abuser, all wrapped up with hopium as described earlier in this article. This love/hate emotional cycle is all entangled with the abuse itself which is why it can be so complicated for someone to decide they should leave or even have the strength to do so.
If you are going through something similar, I’d like to encourage you that, one, you are not alone, and two, it’s okay if you don’t know what to do. Keep focusing on your healing and the answers will come.
If you are reading this and you have a friend going through something similar, it's easy to say they should just leave, but I encourage you to find ways to support them and be there for them as they are walking through the struggle. It's not easy to just ‘leave’. Have grace for your friend and remember that the situation is complicated. It might be days, months, or years before they have the strength. No matter what your friend decides to do, they will thank you for just being there for them. It matters more than you know.
When I was in the thick of getting out of my marriage, I didn’t care about my abuser. I couldn’t care. I had to put my wall up and my warrior armor on and fight a battle for my freedom. Now that I am in a safe place and have found some healing, I can let compassion return. I have not always been compassionate nor empathetic and honestly at times, the anger I felt inside would well up and steam out of my pores, looking like thick smoke hovering over my whole body.
Yet I have allowed time to heal me. I’ve let God heal my heart, one day at a time. I’ve learned that forgiveness takes time and that is okay. Sometimes, I still have days where forgiveness is hard, and I choose to trust the process that my focus should be on myself and becoming the healthiest, wholehearted, and most beautiful person I can be. Only then can I give fully of my love and forgiveness to others.
Now, back to more of my story…
As mentioned before, abuse is never okay. EVER. For years, all the abuse was targeted at me. Only once my oldest son turned 10 that there were signs of emotional abuse targeting him.
I wish I could say I left for myself because I am worth it, which I know now, but at the time God used my love for my children to evoke real change. I am thankful for my love for them. It is fierce!
Over the next two years, I tried to continue to shield my children from the abuse that came. It was targeted 100% me, then it moved to 90% me 10% my son, then it went to 80% me 20% my son. I could see the writing on the wall. I knew that was it. NO MORE!
I also had debilitating health issues that had reached a peak. I was having migraines about 4 times a month, each with several days needed to recover. The worst migraine I ever had lasted 8 hours, and I threw up 14 times because my body was in such distress. During the same season as my intense migraines, an outbreak of shingles came and covered parts of my body in painful sores. It was one of the most devastating seasons of my life.
I felt too weak to do anything, but I knew I had to figure something out.
I snuck and saved $850 over the course of three months, made a plan, left one morning, and stayed in a safe house for 3 nights. I knew if I stayed with any of my family or friends, he would come to find me.
I was afraid.
The details of the day-to-day struggle from that point forward are quite intensive and I’m not going to share them further today. But here is what I want you to know…
I DID IT!
I LEFT!
I scraped, crawled, cried, and did everything I could to protect my children and myself.
Sometimes we have no idea how strong we are until life demands us to go beyond human limits. You’ve heard of mothers lifting cars when their child is stuck underneath? Well, that’s what I did on an emotional level for my children. I became the greatest warrior I have ever known! I kept watch, sharpened my sword at night, and fought the devil during the day, accepting NO defeat. I yelled and screamed and bled.
Today, I stand as a champion!
Some wars are won in the trenches, where no one sees, slicing the enemy one attack at a time.
Somedays I’m reminded that the fight isn’t over, like my lack of sleep and sifting the painful memories this morning. But those moments are few and far between as each year passes, and each time they arise, I choose healing and love.
I chose ME!
Here is another song I drowned myself in during the hardest days of my life, those many years ago. In her song “Rescue”, Lauren Daigle expresses how much God loves me and is chasing after me, protecting me, and coming to my aid. I would sing this song and let the words wash over me. The fierceness of this song is what gripped me.
I have many miraculous stories that happened and proved this song true in my life. God in fact rescued me. His love for me never ceases, even still today! My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude. You can enjoy listening to the song here if you like.
I share my story with you so you can know there is hope.
Each day the sun rises, the light gives you a new opportunity to do the right thing, for yourself, and your family. It’s a powerful circle of change if you embrace it.
Every day you wake up, just hold space for what needs to be done for that day.
Strength is built from reps. One, two, three, four, five, etc.…
Deep Breath
YOU are stronger than you think! Whatever you are facing, there is real hope.
YOU are worth fighting for.
YOUR kids are worth fighting for.
This is one of the reasons I am so passionate about Intentional Parenting. I’ve seen firsthand what happens when people take shortcuts and let their selfishness rule. And I’ve seen and experienced firsthand what happens when parents go all in, love their kids well, and stand in the gaps!
If you need help and would like to talk, reach out here. Or you can email me at heartbeatparenting@gmail.com.
Your kids will often never truly know what you do for them. They won't know the details or the ins and outs of situations. That is okay. That is for you to war and for them to not worry.
You are their protector, helper, teacher, and cheerleader.
So, whatever your heart is telling you to do today about being intentional with your kids, I empower you to go do exactly that. Your kids will deeply thank you. You will leave warmth in their hearts and comfort in their souls. They will know where they belong and who is fighting for them. They will feel peace, contentment, and love.
Remember, YOU are the thread that makes all this possible. Taking care of yourself, healing your trauma, and choosing love and forgiveness will fuel your ability to be strong for them and show them the way to a truly meaningful life.
Many blessings to you and your family!
-Angela
P.S. This is a picture of my 28-year-old self. I was attending a formal dinner party and I remember receiving compliments from both men and women on how beautiful I was, yet all I could feel were the hurtful things that had taken place earlier that day. I chose this picture because it's an example that sometimes the face we put on in the morning isn’t the truth of what’s going on inside. If you feel this way, just know that I see you and I see your heart.
I want to call you forward to healing and love.
For you and for your children.
